The Importance of Self-Awareness

As we were searching for a place to eat in the Power + Light district in Kansas City, I could feel deep down that I needed to make a decision for us. We had been walking trying to decide where to eat for a good 15 to 20 minutes, but of the 3 of us, none of us wanted to speak up.So, we walked into a pizza place that sold pizza by the slice and got in line.In my gut, I knew this is not what I wanted, but I didn’t want to be different. I wanted to be with my friends. I didn’t want them to think that I didn’t like their decision.This is what an Enneagram 9 goes through each + every day.I had an opinion on where we wanted to eat, but I didn’t want to speak up. I didn’t want to be different. And I really didn’t mind having pizza. I was COMPLACENT.But, I had to ask myself… Do I have an opinion on this? Am I going to regret not going where I REALLY want to go?To some of you reading this, you’re probably thinking to yourself, “Why didn’t you just speak up and tell them where you wanted to eat?! Why are you making such a big deal out of nothing?!”Believe me… I can see how stupid it looks. But, to someone who is an Enneagram 9, our goal is to be at peace both internally + externally. To avoid conflict at all costs.As an Enneagram 9, I’m pretty easy going… I’m probably happiest when there’s not a decision to make or if I don’t have to speak up about something. I’m good at keeping to myself and not causing a ruckus. And most of all, if it involves being COMFORTABLE, I AM IN.But, those questions I had to ask myself during the pizza story didn’t come about as easy. A year ago, I wouldn’t have spoke up. I would’ve stood in line to get my pizza with my friends and kicked myself the whole time for not going to Guy Fieri’s restaurant and checking off something on my bucket list. The external peace of not causing a “conflict” seemed to be more important than actually what I wanted.I’m sure you’re asking yourself, “OK, sooooo… what’s the point of all of this?!”One year ago, I had no idea why I acted - or reacted - the way that I do. Why I would avoid conflict at all costs. Why instead of talking to a student about their behavior or lack of effort in class, I would just mark their grade down in a passive aggressive manner. Why I tend to tell my husband to make the decision on where to eat because I simply just can’t do it myself (even though I might have an opinion on it).Over the past year, I have learned all about the Enneagram - and for a good amount of the year, I had no idea what my number actually was. In fact, I didn’t figure out what my Enneagram number was until I read the book The Road Back to You. But, one thing I can tell you…THAT BOOK CHANGED MY LIFE.All of a sudden, I felt understood. I felt like someone was inside of my head, telling me exactly why I was thinking and acting the way that I did. It was eerily accurate. And I had NO IDEA there were other people out there who had the same exact thoughts + feelings that I did.Not only did that book help me understand myself better, but I have become more self-aware. And I can’t begin to express the importance of being self-aware and understanding why you are acting, reacting, and thinking the way that you are.Each person has an Enneagram type and some people also have a subtype (I’m a 9 with a subtype 1, or 9 wing 1). However, with our type, we also have a sliding scale of health, Level 1 being at our best + Level 9 being at our worst. By understanding where you are on this scale, you are able to course correct to get yourself on the path to your best self.I would love to tell you that I am always in the healthiest range, but of course, there are times when I slide down the scale to average health or even unhealthy. One year ago, I was spending A LOT of time in the average or even unhealthy levels, not knowing what to do or WHY I was acting or feeling a certain way. I would fall into states of anxiety + depression and not know how to pull myself out of them.But, now I am self-aware. This does not mean that I don’t get to the average or unhealthy levels anymore (in fact I probably am still more average than I am healthy), but now I can look at those numbers and go, OK, this is how I’m acting. What can I do to get healthy again? Do I need to have a conversation with someone? Am I being lazy or avoiding something because I’m afraid of the consequence or the feeling it’s going to invoke?Y’all, self-awareness is EVERYTHING to your growth + self-development. If you don’t know who you are or what makes you tick, it is going to be really damn hard to become the best version of yourself. I’m not saying that the Enneagram is the end-all be-all, BUT… I do truly believe by understanding your personality, your internal thoughts + feelings, you can course correct and make strides to get to where you want to go and become the best version of yourself.And in case you’re wondering… after standing in line with my friends for about 5 minutes, I spoke up and told them I was going to go get tacos at Guy Fieri’s restaurant… 😘