embracing the changes

I have a confession to make:  I am scared of getting fat.  I know a lot of people are going to scoff at this and tell me I’m crazy, but it honestly is one of my biggest fears (besides balloons + lightening, but those are 2 completely different posts). 

So, you would think that after trying to put on some of my favorite, already-a-little-too-tight jeans last week and finding out that they no longer fit would result in a complete meltdown.  And in all honesty, it probably would have pre-pregnancy.  But, now that I am pregnant, I am trying to embrace my ever expanding waistline (oh, and not too mention bra line too).

I have had to make a huge attitude adjustment now that I am pregnant.  My pre-pregnant self would have beaten myself up over gaining a few pounds and my pants not fitting.  I would’ve cursed my body for being “fat and ugly” and cried useless tears over a few extra pounds to my fairly small frame – that I’m sure no one would have even noticed.  But, I did.  And at the time, that’s all that mattered.  I would feel worthless and depressed, that no one, even Matt, could possibly love someone so “fat and ugly”.

I used to think that I had this unsightly pooch on my tummy that just didn’t seem to want to go away no matter how much I ran, ate (or didn’t eat), or did crunches.  At times and in certain clothing, I thought I looked pregnant, even though I wasn’t at the time – but, now I see how beautiful my pregnant body is, with it’s perfect little bump to support my beautiful, healthy little baby.

 14 weeks pregnant – and still growing!  This is what I thought my stomach looked like BEFORE I was pregnant!  Boy, were my thoughts skewed.

Although I hate the fact that I can’t afford an entire new wardrobe of cute maternity clothes, I am actually kind of excited that my pants don’t fit anymore.  I am enjoying watching the number on the scale slowly increase, as I know that means my Baby Bug is still growing inside of me.  With being one of the “lucky ones” to not have much morning sickness or other typical pregnancy symptoms, my growing belly is my sign that, yes, there really is a life I am supporting in there.  Until I actually feel those first little baby flutters (still waiting…), my baby bump is my sign of pregnancy and the future child I will hold in my arms.

I know I will never be completely happy with my body, pregnant or not.  But, to me, that gives me motivation.  My goal in pregnancy is to be active + healthy.  I am continuing to run as long as I possibly can, but if I have to stop, I will.  I am trying my best to eat wholesome, nutritious foods to fuel my body and my baby, and not worry about how much food I am consuming.  If I’m hungry, I eat.  If I’m not, I (try to) stop.  To me, that is my “perfect pregnancy”.  And if that means gaining 50 pounds, instead of the recommended 25 to 35 pounds, so be it.  I know that’s what my body and baby needs.

So, even though “getting fat” is one of my greatest fears, I am overcoming that fear by doing something so incredibly amazing.  I love my baby bump, bigger boobs, and wider hips as much as I love that sweet, little Baby Bug growing inside of me.  And to me, that is amazing.