stressed
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There have been a lot of things going on lately that have been completely out of my control. From my job to coaching, selling our house to nursing my snot-nosed kiddo, my stress level is at an all time high. It's been awhile since I've felt this sort of stress. I think the last time I felt this stressed out was the summer of 2010, when I was training for Chicago, visiting my grandpa several times a week in the nursing home, and desperately searching for a job. So many factors out of my control and I just remember spending a lot of my summer in tears over not knowing what to expect.
I'm to that point again. That point where I feel like I am just on the verge of a mental breakdown. I haven't quite gotten there yet, but I'm getting awfully close. I so desperately want to be in control of many of the things that are happening in my life right now, but I'm just not. And it's really starting to affect my body and mind.
I like to think I manage my stress really well, but that's not entirely true. I have ways that help me calm down and clear my mind, but they really don't take the stress away. Running, of course, is one of those outlets. It is the only part of my day where I don't have to talk about anyone else or worry about anything except getting those miles in. (OK, I worry about my pace, but for the most part, I have control over that.) It helps me organize my thoughts and figure out ways I can tackle difficult situations going on in my life.
But, sometimes running just isn't enough. My mindset it to try not to worry about things until I have to, but sometimes you just can't help but feel overwhelmed and helpless and break down. I finally broke down Saturday night because of things that are completely out of my control. I fear the unknown and my anxiety becomes too much to handle. And the result is tears.
I've felt very lost about a lot of things lately and while running helps at times, I realized this weekend something that has truly been missing from my life lately: prayer. I am not the most religious person but I do have faith in God. I don't like to express my faith on my blog often because I know not everyone has the same beliefs that I do, but this weekend was one of those times where I really felt like I needed God.
I don't pray nearly as much as I should. Sadly, I pray when I need a favor. And this weekend was of course a time when I needed a favor from God. I just needed Him to ease my mind a little bit. To let me know that no matter what, things were going to be OK.
Matt and I had to get out of the house Sunday because of a house showing. We weren't planning on going to church because of the snow and waited until the last minute to decide to get ready to actually go to church. We ended up getting there a few minutes late, but we made it. And it didn't take us long to realize the reason we were there.
Sunday's Gospel:
But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. - Matthew 6:33-34
I'm a believer that all things happen for a reason. I believe God leads us down the path He wants us to go. Sometimes I forget that I need to trust God's plan. That He is in control, not me. It is so hard for me to give up control, but I know that God has my best interest in mind.
Does it mean that my stress will magically disappear? Ha! I wish! But, it does reassure me that no matter what happens in the long run, it was all a part of God's plan. I may not understand it now, but hopefully someday I will realize what God's intentions were for this time in my life...
